He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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