You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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