Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
