Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
