I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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