then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
