I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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