Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just want to make out with him forever
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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