i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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