He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize