Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
