Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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