i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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