just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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