We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As shirtless as possible
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
