so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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