The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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