We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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