you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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