There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
