I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
