he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
