Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
