can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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