just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
