I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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