Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
smell my finger.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
BRING THE BAGELS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
