I swear she didn't look like that last week.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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