I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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