Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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