Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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