A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i need an iv and a liver transplant
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
