At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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