I'm drive I can fine osifer
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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