cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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