I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
