and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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