I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
