Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
