I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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