u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
