This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
