Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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