Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
