She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
