Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
