Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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