My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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