I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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