It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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